33 Lessons at 33
I’ve always loved repeating numbers. Today I want to share some reflections from my 33rd trip around the sun.
PERSONAL
Get a therapist. We all need one. About a year ago, I finally started ongoing therapy and a lot has changed for the better. Even when I've rationalized that I was "doing fine," there are always unresolved issues to work on.
You’re allowed to feel troubled. After sharing a list of my woes, my therapist offered me this blunt nugget of truth. I laughed in recognition of how often I expect myself to have all the answers to my problems. It's OK to feel all the feelings.
Stop beating yourself up about the past. I've said dumb things and acted in ways I wish I hadn't. But after making amends, continual self-recrimination is just the ego licking it's own wounds. Who you are now is the result of those experiences, which is hopefully a more thoughtful person.
Put down dreams you're not actively working on. In my private hours, I have spent more time dwelling in the future than I wish to admit. Holding onto dreams that you're not actively pursuing is exhausting, and dreams without timelines are just fantasies. Far better to focus on what's directly in front of you.
You are the editor of your life movie. How easy it is to forget this. Our lives become self-fulfilling prophecies of the scripts we keep repeating consciously or unconsciously. You are free to edit the script and move the story in a different direction at any time.
Cultivate the quality of your attention. Our state of attention can completely alter how we take in the world. How often do I try to be in two places at once? Stop and just take in the extraordinary detail of this moment.
Keep a beginners mind. Remember you are as young as your drive to continue learning. I'm most inspired by late successes. Timelines are self-imposed. It's never too late to start something new.
Watch who you listen to. Inside of our awareness we have an ongoing dialogue between the "functional" and "dysfunctional" self. The functional self looks for reasons why you're great. The dysfunctional self looks for reasons why you're lousy. Who are you listening to more?
Come to your senses. When dealing with obsessive thoughts, the simplest way I've found to turn down the volume on those is to listen to sounds around you. Try it for a minute and check out this book. Our senses brings us back to how we're meant to function.
People think much more about themselves than about you. I've wasted a lot of energy worrying about what others think of me, when it really doesn't matter. The more secure you are, the less disturbed you are by others.
Ideas are not yours to keep. I've often talked myself out of starting a creative project, or sharing it. The muses chose you. Nobody else hears your music, so share it.
RELATIONSHIPS
What you get out is what you put in. We can make our relationships as meaningful as we want them to be. While it can be messy to sort out the challenges, there is a beautiful depth in letting another person love the real you.
See with new eyes. It's easy after being together for many years to think you "know" someone. I feel closest to my partner when I look at her as I did when we first met. There is still so much I'm learning about her.
Look at that ego go! I tell myself this when I feel triggered or get defensive. What feels threatening? What am I trying to protect? Brené Brown has a powerful talk where she frames it as, "the story I'm telling myself is X. The story you're telling yourself is Y." It's not about right or wrong. It's usually about some deeper issue.
Let go of trying to change others. The harder you push ideas on someone, the more they will resist. If you want to understand people, ask them how they arrived at their ideas. Then you can invite them to learn how you came to your conclusions, and hopefully build a bridge.
Stop putting people on pedestals. I've idolized people and felt disappointed in recognizing differences in our values. People are people. Everyone is doing their best based on their life experience.
Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is for giving. You will need it in every meaningful relationship, especially with family. People are doing the best they can, considering what they are carrying.
You don't have to please everyone. You're not a hero for saying yes to everything and pushing aside your needs. You can only do that for so long before you deteriorate your relationship with yourself. People will respect you more for asserting your needs.
Make time for each other. Losing my sister in law taught me how vital our connections are to each other, and how essential the quality of our time is. If we could count the days we have left together, how would we act differently?
Keep in touch with friends. One of the first signs of having priorities out of order is losing touch with friends. You need them, and they need you to make sense of life's trajectory.
Open your heart. My wife and I knew we wanted to adopt children, and learning about the four-hundred thousand children in foster care in the US looking for families made it clear to us that this was our calling. We worked with a great organization called Seneca, learned, and found our way to two amazing children who are now in our forever family.
Always say yes when your kids want to play with you. Unless it's an hour and a half past their bed time... They grow and change exponentially before your eyes, so make every moment count. Be their favorite goofball. Learn from their wisdom.
OTHER
Keep a list of what makes you happy. The things that make me happy include making music, reading books, and quality time with my family. When I savor those moments, I realize the truth that, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Learn to delegate. On many projects, I've volunteered to take on the majority of the responsibility. I can be an unhealthy perfectionist. The cost of this has been losing time to do other important things, and missing opportunities to recognize the contributions of others. Cut that out!
Go directly after what you want. Looking back at my work trajectory thus far, I've spent a lot of time juggling multiple things that weren't the main thing I want to do. You don't need permission. You don't need to always "be responsible."
Make more art. Just create things every day, and keep on starting. Get it on paper and edit it later. Your art is your unique lens into the world.
Your body is the most finely tuned instrument. For the love of God take care of it. Drink water. Go for a walk outside. Eat a salad. Our health is too easy to take for granted when we have it.
Take trips. When I look back on the last few years, many of the highlights came from traveling. But we don’t need to travel to the other side of the world to get out of our bubble. There are treasures in our own backyards, and strangers to start conversations with next door.
Don’t let the phone win. In the age of instant everything and information overload, it's easy to check our devices every 15 minutes. It's so pervasive that we can hardly tell anymore how fragmented our attention is. As a former mentor told me, "own the phone or it will own you."
Being vegan is easier than most think. It's been a decade for me, and it remains a choice that I'll never regret for my health, for my wallet, for the planet, and for animals. There's no greater impact an individual can have on climate change than adopting a plant-based diet. I don't think you have to do it perfectly either.
Recognize privilege. I grew up in an upper-middle class family. I received a good education and was able to pursue a career in the arts. As an immigrant in this country, I worked hard to reach my goals, but I also recognize how fortunate I've been. I will always consider how I can assist others who haven't had the same opportunities.
Focus on your circle of influence. That’s how you’ll “change the world,” not by trying to start the next big thing. The little things are the big things, and small acts done with great love create a ripple effect beyond what we can imagine.
You are human, therefore imperfect, therefore worthy of love. No further explanation needed for this one.
I'll probably forget a lot of what I’ve written and have to relearn it again, but that's how it goes. Take it easy on yourself.